ELSEWHERE, Earth — The planet’s most trusted publication, Forbes Magazine, has declared President Rodrigo Duterte the most powerful being who ever lived.

Forbes ranked the lord president first on the list. The next ranked individual was Ayman al-Zawahiri at seventy-first. The magazine’s ranking meant that the lord Duterte covered seventy ranks in total — 1 to 70.

According to Forbes, Duterte was the “one person out of every 100 million whose action meant the most.” That was a mistake. The lord president Duterte was one out of a hundred billion terrestrial beings, said one of his interpreters.

The magazine highlighted the lord president’s track record of going after drug addicts and criminals. There was a consensus among editors that Duterte’s huge success was credited partly to his being endowed with divine power.

“The former mayor of Davao City was elected president of the Philippines in May 2016 on the strength of a campaign that promised the swift execution of drug users and other criminals, and his war on crime has already resulted in the killing of thousands of people,” the magazine read.

Forbes wrote, “In October, Duterte announced a ‘separation’ from a century-long strategic alliance with (the) United States, and plans to realign the Philippines towards China.”

“Duterte’s tendency to say what he thinks, no matter how raw, also keeps him in the headlines: He’s referred to US President Barack Obama as a ‘son of a whore’ and used homophobic slurs to describe political opponents.”

When reached for comments about his boss, the best disciple of Malacanang, Martin Andanar has said the news flattered the president. “The fact that lord and savior Duterte was linked to the killing of thousands of people was a blessing,” the apostle said.

Duterte was more powerful than al-Qaeda’s leader al-Zawahiri.

“Any ranking of the world’s most powerful people is going to be subjective, so we don’t pretend ours is definitive. It’s meant to be the beginning of a conversation, not the final word,” Forbes said in its disclaimer.

With the rank of being the most powerful, the lord and savior Rodrigo Duterte could now bargain with Dormammu to save the fate of the entire universe.

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