TARLAC CITY, The Philippines — The most trusted president in the solar system Rodrigo Duterte can sing and crack jokes. According to his aides and horde of interpreters, it is unprecedented in human history.

On 11 December (Sunday), the lord president visited Tarlac City, the hometown of the former president of the yellow alien race Benigno Aquino III.

It was a night of singing and jubilation. With the lord president on the stage, it was the night of merriment and humor. The president himself was the ultimate entertainment, singing sad songs, delivering a humorous monolog.

He entertained a crowd of red Dutertards and former yellow minions. The event was held at the Hacienda Luisita shopping complex which was the heart of yellow territory.

When asked about his preference of red instead of purple, Duterte said he was not in good terms with El Macho, the nefarious villain in “Despicable Me 2.”

The lord president judged the best rendering of Nativity scene in the city. He confessed he was a descendant of the gods through Jesus Christ because he had a nice conversation with God.

The talented president displayed his divine gifts of singing and stand-up comedy as he explained the details of his favorite presidential pastime.

“I love killing people. This is who I am,” he joked.

“If you are an addict, I will kill you. If you sell shabu, I will kill you. If you bribe me with drug money, I will kill you,” he said to a cheering crowd.

Before his stand-up comedy performance, he sang the classic Filipino kundiman “Ikaw.” The crowd was in awe. They went teary-eyed upon hearing the voice of the lord singing the famous song.

“It’s an unbelievable experience. The holy spirit came to me so I could be the lord’s messenger. The message is no clearer than to rid the world of drug addicts,” another Dutertard said.

The lord recalled how he managed to seduce three women. “Don’t be complacent with the song ‘Ikaw’. I had relationships with three women because of that song,” he joked, eliciting laughter from a much-delighted crowd.

“One is already old, but not really that old. The other one is separated from her husband. But that’s OK,” the lord president said.

There was also drama on the stage when the lord president cried after hearing the song “You Raise Me Up.” It reminded him of his mother who raised him as a child.

“When my mother died, I really found solace in that song. I sing that song in karaoke bars. But I could not finish it because I really turn emotional,” he said.

The crowd also went emotional.

Duterte did not fail to deliver jokes and funny stories about himself. He also explained his plan how to achieve peace and order. “Don’t worry,” he joked, “I don’t do extrajudicial killings. The police do.”

The joke elicited wild applause and laughter from the audience.

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