MANILA– How would you solve the problem of kidnapping for ransom? Bomb the kidnappers. What about the hostages? Damn it, drop the bomb!

Bomb them! That’s the only solution the lord president, Rodrigo Duterte, has come up with to solve the kidnapping crisis in the southernmost part of the Philippines.

“Dropping that f***ing bomb is all you need to do,” the most revered president told his Indonesian and Malaysian counterparts.

He said the hostages “are not supposed to be there.” If the hostages only listened to the government issued advisory they would not have been held captive. “Stay away from the bandits,” the lord president warned.

Indonesia and Malaysia have recently been plagued by radical militants who used Islam as a shield and a recruiting tool in their thriving trade of kidnapping for ransom. The multi-billion dollar industry has flourished in the islands surrounding the Sulu Sea.

His excellency Duterte said he has given Joko Widodo and Najib Razak the green light to bomb the kidnappers fleeing to the Philippine waters.

“If these kidnappers are Muslim Filipinos, don’t hesitate to bomb them,” the divinely incarnated leader said. “If they’re fleeing to the jungle with the hostages, then bomb the jungle.”

Razak, the Malaysian prime minister, was mesmerized by the charisma of Duterte that they were seen last November singing “Shalala” in a party.

“Next time, we will sing Tom Jones’ ‘Sex Bomb’,” his highness Duterte told Razak.

It seemed that the lord president has gotten impatient with the hostage crisis. The terrorist groups Abu Sayaff and IS have wrought havoc in the southern islands of Jolo and Basilan. Singing ‘Sex Bomb’ could not satisfy his thirst for blood, he needed to bomb the hell out of the terrorists.

“Bomb them. If they cannot be captured, you bomb them. How about the hostages? Eh, bomb them also. They’re not supposed to be there, there is a warning,” the exasperated demigod and Filipino leader said.

“There had been travel advisories and warnings but these stubborn tourists would not listen. What can we do to them? Eh, bomb them. Bomb them. Bomb them!”

Abu Sayyaf and IS militants have been keeping hostages in the jungles of Jolo and Basilan. Their captives include American, Australian, European, Korean, and Filipino tourists.

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